Faith, family, and marriage-my three key ingredients creating for a Family From Scratch. They are all three very different ideas that all need to come together just perfectly to have that happy, healthy family that we all strive for. The two most important ingredients in our family will always be faith and marriage.
Without our faith as our foundation and our marriage as the walls holding this home we call a family together, our world would be in crumbles.
In an effort to keep our own faith strong and help bring others to Christ, every other Wednesday Jordan and I host a bible study at our house. It’s been so helpful for us to just refocus our minds and get closer with many of our friends! We talk about God and discuss some of the really tough questions that people may have. Each week we pick a topic and use this website called pursuegod.org. It has endless videos, lessons and discussions about any possible question or topic you could think of pertaining to God and the Bible. I highly recommend checking it out!
Because almost everyone in this group is married, or soon to be married, we often talk about marriage, how the bible speaks to marriage and what it should look like. This past week we chose to go through a lesson called “Your Personality Type and Your Marriage.” We started off by doing this quick 10 minute personality test (something I also highly recommend doing with your spouse!) Jordan and I learned that we are actually pretty opposite- so were the majority of the couples in our bible study. I guess it really proves that saying…Opposites attract!
Jordan’s results showed that he is a ESTJ and I am an ISFP (you’ll understand that more once you take the test yourself and understand what each means). Basically it means Jordan is extroverted, sensing, thinking, and judging. I am introverted, sensing, feeling and perceiving. It is SO IMPORTANT to understand these and understand what your spouse is. By doing so you can learn what drives your spouse. You can better understand how they communicate, make decisions, and just go about day to day activities. By misunderstanding these, we put unrealistic expectations on our spouse to just think and do everything the way we think it should be done. But what happens when one is introverted and one is extroverted? Maybe one is better at speaking and communication, this can be frustrating to the other and a cause of conflict.
As a newly married couple a little over four years ago, we quickly learned that we didn’t think the same way. As an extrovert, every weekend Jordan wanted to be with people and out doing something and a lot of the time I was content staying in and watching a movie, being the introvert that I am. Agreeing on what to do on a Saturday night became very stressful. As the thinker, Jordan was more capable of handling our short “cry it out” phase with Harper. To him, it logically made sense that she needed to cry to learn to fall asleep. For me as a feeler, it was brutal and so stressfullistening to her cry even if it was for only five minute time spans! Lastly, Jordan is a J (judging), meaning he is very organized and systematic. I, on the other hand, am a P (perceiving), meaning I am more spontaneous and flexible. Life with a newborn is far from organized and systematic, so little things like going to dinner or to my parents would be VERY stressful. Stress leads to conflict!
Any of these scenarios sound familiar to you??
Psalm 139:13-14 says:
“You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous-how well I know it”
Now I’m sure you just read that and are thinking what most do when they read this, “Yes I AM wonderful because God’s workmanship was marvelous and I’m thankful He made me the way I am!”
Well…try reading it again…
This time think of your spouse…does this change the way you view them and their personality differences?
By understanding and appreciating each other we can use these differences in our personalities to actually come together as a team. We can use each other’s different personality traits as strengths and stop viewing our different thought processes as “bad” or “less than” because it doesn’t meet our expectation.
God made each of us the way that we are so that, like puzzle pieces, we would fit together perfectly.
This may not be true for all couples, but I know that if Jordan and I were both of us were extroverted, we would be broke and never home. If we were both introverted, we would be little hermit crabs and never socialize with friends. We PERFECTLY balance each other out. If we both were feelers, Harper may have never learned to put herself to sleep. If we both were judgers, our stress would be through the roof with a newborn baby. We have learned to understand each other’s differences and view them as strengths- God created him to be different than me for a reason! Think about your marriage and your spouse-how can you change your mindset to view your differences as strengths??
Now onto my action step-
While discussing this with the girls the other night at bible study, a book called “The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman came up. (Have you heard of it or read it?! I would love to hear your thoughts!) It’s talks about problems that many married couples have and how the root can really be traced back to each individuals different “love language,” meaning how one expresses and feels love. The 5 love languages are words of affirmation, quality time, gifts, acts of service, and touch.
I haven’t finished the book yet, but so far I know that gifts is in my top 5 love languages and Jordan’s is acts of service and words of affirmation. I am terrible with my words, and Jordan has never been big with gifts. So again, can you see how that can be cause for conflict? We are constantly setting unrealistic expectations in our mind for our spouse to fulfill when we need to understand A) Christ is the ONLY one who can truly fulfill our happiness and B) God created us to have these differences. Therefore we need to continue to work to understand and appreciate them!
Jordan and I and another couple from our group are going to continue to dig deeper on this topic to continue to grow in our marriages- because again…
Our marriage makes up the walls of this beautiful family we are creating. Without the walls we have no home, with no home we have no family.
Don’t get comfortable, don’t get lazy and just “accept” that you have conflict. Don’t let pride take over your heart to the point where you feel bitter towards your spouses personality and the way they show or feel love. Use Psalm 139:13-14 as a constant reminder to love, understand and appreciate your spouse the way God created them to be!
If you’re interested in continuing to grow in your marriage,click here to get your own copies of “The Five Love Languages”
and here for “The Five Love Languages For Men.” Drop a comment below, let me know what you think of the book!
